Choose to read a sentence.. choose to read a couple paragraphs, I think this will help a little in order to understand me. I could thank so many people for giving me the courage to write this, but it wouldn't be fair to exclude other people. If you want to ask me about this later..okay, but I may or not want to talk to "you" about this nor will I give all information past this, this shit is pretty detailed, and though personal, I owe it to people to give the truth.I guess aside from being extremely detailed, I have had past issues that I need to overcome, and am overcoming..so yay~
So after bitching to my dad, giving him a million kijillion excuses and blaming people for past mistakes made in my life. He turned to me and said, if you can take anything out of this two and half hour conversation, and all your "regrets" made in life, from the people you blame for your actions to the homeless person on the street, remember that people make a lot of mistakes and sometimes it may or may not be their fault. If you can take anything out of this conversation, remember that
"Life is about choices."
Let's move on.
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1.) To be five minutes early instead of late..except for boys.
With a busy schedule I keep telling myself that I am going to leave in five minutes, and then it turns into me arriving 2 to even 30 minutes late..eck, I need to not do this. People conclude I am 100% selfish about myself and their time, in all truth, it is because I procrastinate.
2.) To remind myself that, it's not always about getting attention, unless its the right kind that I deserve.
Sometimes when I am not getting along with my best friends or my family's attention, I tend to stray away from "safe."
3.) To stop spending so much money on people.
I spend so much money being generous, because I would rather give than receive. As a teenager with both parents fighting for my love and acceptance as the "right" parent, if anyone gave me an inch, I thought I deserved a mile.So in turn to try to not be selfish, I love pleasing people, there is too much shit that people have to put up with in the world and it seems to all relate to money and needing it to find things to please them and fill the moment.The problem with my dad, is (not) that I do not have money, (aside from my dad giving me a college education and paying for what "I need," I am a college intern for a doctor's office, so I make money as well too. My dad thinks, and is right about me trying to please people with my money. He says that although people see you as "rich and generous,..they also see you as a pushover."My issue here is that people take advantage of my generosity and I attract the wrong kind of people because of it. If you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to want milk too. No more boxes of cookies and gallons of milk per person. Gees.
4.) To be as optimistic as possible.
Theres too much negativity in the real world. When people make fun of "You happy people," they are usually trying to find a way to bring you down..get it? Remind me to pray for them and to not be angry.
5.) Remember that there is no such thing as a stupid question in a classroom.
Keep asking questions. Learn as much as you can, even if it is repetitive or even if everyone else gets it and they look at you like you're an idiot. If your questions get you an A in the class, you are getting ten steps closer to what you aim should be aiming for.
6.) To remember that being impulsive or spontaneous or "amazing" might be fun or exciting for a minute...
or even later in life when your friends bring it up to show how "badass you are."
But if these moments end up costing you a friends feelings, or worse, lieing to yourself, it might hurt you in the long run. With number five in mind, remember that your amigos are not the ones that are going to be paying your bills in five or ten years, or paying for your kids health insurance. Remember that how much you put into "whatever," usually is equivalent to how much you will get out of "whatever." Hardwork usually pays off, it is also respected as long as you are humble about it.
7.) To not rule out "girls" altogether.
For the longest time, I really believe in my reasoning for my past excuses as to why I really don't like putting forth the effort to having girl friends. Within the past few months though, I am coming to realize that aside from the excuses, there are positives to girls. But in order to understand why this was, you have to look at the root.In respect to myself, from being raised only by my dad because my mom has?/had? "issues," from having a best friend since 7th grade who is assertive, from having a ditzy sister, from going to a high school where I had no respect for the bulk of the girls who went there and were quote "adored," and for man's idea of what a woman is "good for," I had carried the conclusion with me that I didn't want to be one of those girls or around the general conception of what a girl represented. I am starting to see though, why girls are good ;)and no I am not turning lesbian! haha.
8.) To not question ruling out my gay guy friends.
To my friends that are mainly guys, this is a sensitive subject, I guess I am a "fag hag" haha, but there are just way to many great things about these "gays." They are kinda girly, but, they "tell it like it is" because they are honest.. very liberal.
One of the main reasons I love them, they are the only type of guy that doesn't have the intentions to sex me. LOL, I can walk around in almost bare to nothing clothes and I don't have to care because they wont be into me, but they will tell me honestly if I need to exercise or change that top. ;)
9.)
Everything molds you into the person you are right now. The choices, words, actions, decisions...everything. There is no such thing as failure if you rise above it or learn, something from it. Learn from your mistakes and regret nothing. I think I got this chunk of optimism from tid bits of positive crap spanned across the www. haha But its good stuff.
10.) To not scan over the details.
Do not create extra details because "I care about what people think": you or them, to where I become paranoid or question myself as an "amazing girl." To also not "question" myself or "lie" to people to make me look or sound like a badass..my reasoning is because you might see or talk to them or even like them in the future. And then you have to reverse and they will be super confused.
Expanded Bridge: (Like in a song)
My "psychotic" actions. My strict everything comes from my dad, so sometimes I forget to appreciate something out of the ordinary that is fun, great, positive, healthy..so I question it in my mind and try to find a flaw so that it cannot become a distraction. I forget that everything is a game and like JoJo's song, Little To Late..yeah. When you don't know people, you fall for "an idea," not for the person..because you did not know them. And maybe, they do not want to be figured out because that would make them feel uneasy, pressured, distracted, etc...sounds a little bit too familiar.
To my friends and my compadres--Remind me to have fun, chill the heck out, and to just be me.
11.) To take a trip that I never thought I would be taking.
Well well, hopefully I can do this before I have my amazing career in medicine. I don't think it has to even be something expensive, just something that I can appreciate, that I can learn from.
12.) To appreciate the meanings "this too shall pass," and, "let it be."
From the Bible and from a Beatles song, you cannot take back suggestive meanings or representations. Also to be careful how you come off and how you portray yourself. because it is who you will attract. Thank you Mrs. Diffie.
13.) To not confuse people when it comes to sex.
I have come off as "a vindictive vixen," "a nun," "a BB-queen," "a fine wine," "a lesbian," and "naughty" terms that don't even get to be said on here lol.
Well this seems to be everyone's favorite topic with me for alot of reasons. It's definitely not simple though. But there's a vague story to it and here it is. Stop here if you are too immature to take this one on. Though I know it will be read, it is my choice to have this on here for my own personal reasoning.
With Gailen, throughout high school we were the only two girls that were known for being "social attractive virgins." It was awesome cuz no one could touch us on this subject. (no pun intended?) We were attached at the hip so we never got tempted into any "home-runs" for the guys. I didn't really drink that much alcohol either, so my inhibitions were in tact at all times. I was "a good girl," raised by her daddy and wanting to have a respectable wedding where people would appreciate the instuition of marriage and a white dress. Haha, some of you think it's because of "having no hope from Jessica Simpson," yeah right I hate that girl..look what happened to her..but then again, look what happened to me.
It wasn't until I got to college had a falling out MAJOR with my parents..the idea of marriage, Gailen was my friend on/off, and love in general,. But I can't blame them. But bye bye virgin.
[Kyle.] With respect to him, and myself, I found a guy who was "in love" with me, and that would "die for me."He was anything (but) perfect to me and that's what attracted me to him. He was indolent and had insecurites too, and to a girl who was shallow in her decisions in guys, and "who she should be with," he was perfect for my insecurities and rebellious solution. He always made it about me, spoiled me to the tee, and always asked, "why me." Are you noting the word "me?"We dated for close to 11 months, my longest relationship ever..blah blah blah.It wasn't until a couple days before the New Year when he was about to drive from Lake Jackson to Fort Worth that I told him, "I do not want to start the New Year's with you," along with other demeaning, hurtful put-downs.
[Too many consequences.]
It led to disrepect for myself and to others. I had a past ex call me that I wouldn't have sex with in high school, ew I had other people calling me trying to woo me over,and I lied to Gailen and she found out a crappy way, I hurt someone else that is one of my friends that really liked me, I hurt a couple of girls that looked up to me it, my sister, and I hurt his friends (my friends), I hurt my dad. It was selfish and insecure all at the same time. I tried to make it right, but it just led to having sex with two other guys and not enjoying it at all which is why I won't have sex with you, the reader, unless I really like you. It just won't happen. Which is why I'm putting this out here. When I say I want to be "good," or my friends joke about me being a whore, they are joking; cuz I really don't want to have sex with you..alcohol or no alcohol. Exhale.
14.) To maybe keep a journal that only you will see and/or read.
Like Bridget Jones Diary, you need something reflected as a piece of you. I want to do this, but I really will not have time with nursing school coming around soon and yeah I think that I need to write any issues down so that I am not caring about them in the real world or openly discussing them as I am now. :)
15.) To not get distracted from my main goals.
I hate to keep saying "I" but this is about me and getting my you know what together. I need to realize that there are going to be people that will step on me to get ahead, with that being said, I need to learn how to either not hang around these people, or jsut not let these people get to me..perhaps be all Christian, and pray for them. I also need to learn that there is a time and place for everything.I love music and singing..I'm sorry to brag but with the right kind of confidence I am good at it, if I want to make an album one day, or produce one, I can do it as long as it doesn't take me away from my goal right now to help people.I thought I wanted to be a doctor, but its not for me as far as what I want out of the future. I need to learn that there is a time and place for everything. There is a time to go out with three different guys a week, there is a place to study for four hours at a time without the use of drugs to actually concentrate and get ahead with your books, there is a time to go downtown and flirt with anybody and everybody with your friends, there is a place to get a good 7-8 hours of sleep and eat a healthy breakfast before something important the next day, there is a time to look like an idiot and space in your regrets, there is a place to learn from them and not always care about looking perfect on paper or in text message or in a persons mind. There is a time to live in yesterday's feelings, there is a place to be obligated to yourself and get past the past.
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With respect to everyone who thoroughly reads this, I am no amazing author and I write enough research papers and written assignments so haha my indifference if I coulda written this in a paragraph...nah, probably not.Oh I forgot to admit something, my dad majored in Psychology so aside from being a girl and/or a psychobabbler, I like to make assessments and analysis' like no other.
Impression: (like in a health exam lol)
I am not an average, ordinary girl. I can be a hypocrite, especially if you do (not) know me. I like to see both sides of a story..this is why I like the Washington Times and the Washington Post. I like to go back to the root when theres a problem. I love drama, but too much makes me sick. I have enough friends and money to make my life spin for the rest of my life, but, I cannot live behind this or let this be my crutch if I mess up.
Plan: ( I need to realistically attempt.)
I need to realize that NO ONE is "perfect." Our professors, our parents, our government, the mainstream news, our world..none of it is perfect. There is no formula to being perfect. I need to learn that in order to love others, I have to come to terms with myself first. I need to not lie to myself or others--> for their attention/acceptance, I need not blame others for my actions, I need to learn that I will not save everyone with my words for myself, or in my future career, I need to accept people as they are and not try to change them. I need to learn that I am twenty years old and if I am going to make mistakes that have to do with insecurities from the past and what people think of me, but now you know. You know more now then you will ever know. If I am too much, it's cool cuz I have people that have been along side of me for way to long to just throw it away I need to let these words shape me and let actions speak louder than words, because I can not carry these insecurities, "issues," like my mom's with me throughout life.
